True to form, I was categorized as an ISTJ. Now to some of you that might mean very little, so I'll put a brief synopsis of what it means:
"Quiet, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Deciding logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions. Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized - their work, their home, their life. Value traditions and Loyalty."Some of you who know me would totally agree or mostly agree with what I just put. Those traits are very correct for those that have known me a long time or who i've allowed entrance or views into my "sanctum sanctorum." This is my home, this is where I run when I'm scared, when I'm hurt, or when I'm tired of putting up a front. This is me when I batten down the hatches to ride out a storm of any kind, this is my...well for lack of a better term...Sanctum Sanctorum. I don't mean to use this term to mean the holy of holies where God resides, but I suppose that could be true as well. I use it in reference to a place where I feel safe and comfortable.
For those who know me very well or for those who don't know me very well, they realize that as the last description does sum me up really well, they also realize this doesn't fit me completely. Over the last 20 or so years of my life I took who I am and covered it with what I thought people wanted me to be. I developed a very secure facade of a self image that I could very easily work in and feel comfortable, at least for a little while.
This second area of my life is summed up in the personality test's label ENTJ. Now again most of you will not know what this means, so I'll give you a description:
"Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems Enjoy longterm planning and goal setting. usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas."When I presented that according to the personality test I was an ISTJ, most of the class told me I was wrong and had misinterpreted the results and that I was really an ENTJ. I guess that proves that my facade is complete, I can convince my whole class that I'm not what I seem. This is not the first group of people I've led astray with my facade.
Question arrises, is that a good thing to be able to say? I don't know that I have an answer to this. Its certainly who I am regardless of whether it is good or bad. It is who society formed me to be, its someone I'm very comfortable being. The part where this becomes an issue is when I'm tired of my facade and I let my guard drop. What then? I let people down, I surprise some people... There is a very challenging balancing act that I perform every day. Me knowing that really I'm an introvert and yet acting like I'm an extrovert. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my facade, I actually quite enjoy it, I like leadership, being forceful, seeing things quickly, solving problems, expanding my knowledge, some of the time. I'm not sure, I don't remember in the beginning, if I was uncomfortable with it or if I was ok with the facade, but now I sure am.
There are some very special people who I've let in to see me, the real me, there are others that have seen a slight glimpse of my real self, and others that I've worked very hard to hid the real me from. I've had my reasons for putting the people I meet into each of the categories, some move from one group to the next. The longer you know me, the more likely it is for you to find one of those cracks in my facade to see deeper inside who I really am. Others will illustrate that they have what it takes to know whats in the "keep". Some will be astonished by it, others humbled by it, and still others will be thankful for it. One thing I will say is that for those who see glimpses of the "keep" and for those that are fortunate enough to roam the halls freely, you'll see even more than I'm human, I sin, and I'm in total need of the savior that I do my utmost best to follow. I slip and fall, those who make it all the way will attest to that, but I have this amazing God and friends that picks me back up, dusts me off and sets me back on a path that God wants me on.
