A song

There are many songs that speak to me.  It depends on my mood as to which speaks more.  There are songs I like to listen to when I'm happy, ones I like to listen to when I'm sad, and one specific song that comes to mind when I blow it with God.

The song isn't particularly a new song, its actually one from my growing up years.  Jars of Clay wrote the song back in the early 90's I'm pretty sure and it just reminds me of what I want (to follow God) and what I do (not follow Him) are sometime so far apart.

The first verse goes like this:

"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die"

It seems like more times than I want to admit, this sums up my life.  There is no one to blame except myself for the mistakes I make, they are mine alone. When my mistakes are against God, there is only one end, sin.  I find myself in this boat frequently.  

The third verse also speaks to me. 

"All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me"

When does it not feel like this.  I make a mistake, I own up to it, and then it feels like I'm the only one standing there.  Looking at my mistakes knowing full well that this isn't what God wanted for me.  After looking at my mistakes and the life that I shouldn't be living, I take some time and think about it.  I feel like the father in Mark 9:24, I believe that God can fix it for me, but help my unbelief.  I want to believe that God will take my sinful life away, but I have to admit that there is a little piece of me that says, "This is to big, God can't take this from me."  

I ask the same question the song does, "Did you really have to die for me?"  

It goes on to say "Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart"  God knows what I need, he knew it long ago, sometimes (usually) I don't know what I need.  I think I do usually, but there's the catch, its so far off of what God wants for me.  

The end of the song is something that I consider a prayer, I've prayed it many times, it rings as true today as the first time I heard it uttered.  

"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

The last few lines are uncomfortable, they are painful, but they are necessary.  I want God to take me apart.  Its the same sentiment that Andrew Peterson uses in the song "Just as I am."  He asks the question in the first verse of that song, "whats that on the ground?"  He then goes on to answer the question, "its what's left of my heart, after somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces, and planted the shards."  

I think the part we often forget when we want Jesus to break us apart is the end goal.  The last verse of the song says it so articulately.  "Its time now to harvest, what little that grew.  The man they called Jesus who planted the seeds has come for the fruit.  The best that I have isn't nearly enough, but he's glad for the crop, but its me that he loves."  

He doesn't do it to us because he hates us.  Its because he loves us that he breaks us apart.  Its hard, I struggle with it, some days I struggle with it more than other days, but the thing to remember is that in all of this, the end goal is salvation for Stephen Baker.  

God, please just do this to me.