My prayer

As many of you know, I'm a musician.  Among many other things, I'm a musician.  Whatever else may be driving my inner being, music is one of them.  God knows this, so does satan unfortunately.  Thinking on the former, not the latter, there are a number of songs that just speak to me, kind of what I think the Psalms say.  So the following lyrics in my book are Psalms, they hold the same lyrical importance, they speak to me just like the Psalms.

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

For those of you who are astute christian music buffs, you'll know that this is from the Jars of Clay song Worlds Apart.  This song has spoken to me ever since I first heard it.  It sums up humanity in general, but my life more specifically.  It talks about being stuck between where satan would have you and where God wants you.  This last section though is where the "psalm" comes out, its the prayer, its pleading to God, its finally understanding the sacrifice, its a petition.  Really its what my heart is saying every time I break Gods heart by doing things that I know I shouldn't do.  This is the prayer I find myself praying, "Steal my heart and take my pain, take my selfish, take the weak, all the things I cannot hide, take the beauty and the tears, take my world apart."

This is not a prayer for the faint of heart, this is a prayer for those who have hit rock bottom, for those who just can't believe that they have fallen again, for those of us like Peter in Matthew 14, having the faith to get out of the boat, but letting pride get in the way.  Its a prayer that we have all prayed at one point or another.  Its my prayer tonight.

I look upon the empty cross, remembering what my life cost, and thank God that he hasn't given me what my sins say I should get.  Thank you God!!

Understanding Stephen

Contrary to what some might think I'm an introvert.  I fake being an extrovert very well, its what society expects of me, but down deep inside, I'm an introvert.  If you want to know how introverts interact with the rest of the world, refer to this graphic and then you might understand me much better.  

Thank you to Dr. Carmella for making this.

Angels and demons

Tonight is friday the 13th, well that and Sabbath the 14th.  I’m sitting at work, my preceptor pulls out her phone and proceeds to turn on her ghost tracker.  She tells me all the places in the hospital and various other places that are haunted and where you see ghosts.  I told her I don’t really believe in ghosts.  I don’t believe that places are haunted per se.  She rallied most of the people working tonight and most of them believe, to one extent or another, in ghosts and things being haunted.

Others came around and told stories about how things are haunted or the places they have seen ghosts.  I’m a bible believing christian, how can I respond to this?  I’ve been thinking about it a bit now.   I don’t believe in ghosts or things being haunted, however I do believe in powers of darkness, ones that aren’t of this world.  I believe that satan and his angels have a presence in our world and that if you open yourself up to that, they will show themselves.

I recall a time in Nicaragua where I could feel the most evil presence I’ve ever felt.  I don’t know if the man was demon possessed, but the feelings I got from him was purely evil.  After that experience, I spent quite a bit of time with God, I felt I had to, it was an innate feeling.

I get that feeling a lot.  The feeling that I have to run home to daddy.  Whether its because I feel that I’ve ventured out to far from him, that I’ve experienced evil, or that  I just don’t know what I’m doing, all of these reasons are good enough for me to run to daddy.  Running home to daddy isn’t only a religious experience.  My daddy on this earth is an amazing man.  One that I’ve followed in his footsteps from a young age.  Sometimes, some situations, I run home to both.  Sometimes I just need to hear and feel that everything is going to be alright.

Back to today.  Do I feel that the room right behind me is haunted or that there are ghosts in my presence?  No, I think not.  I hope that any evil presence that comes my way sees that I have such a connection with my “daddy”-in-heaven that they won’t come anywhere near me, but if they do, i know exactly where I can run to in my time of need.  To a man that will always welcome me in his arms and tell me everything is alright and that nothing can separate me from his love.

I think Romans 8 says things very well.  In verse 15 it says “The Spirit that we received is not a spirit that makes us slaves again and causes us to fear. The Spirit that we have makes us God’s chosen children. And with that Spirit we cry out, “ Abba,[b] Father.” Abba really means Daddy.  Then in verses 38 and 39 it says “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  
I’m not sure if God put this promise in the bible just for me tonight or if there are far bigger and better reasons for it to be in the bible, but one thing I know, it is a comfort that there is NOTHING that can come between God and I and that He likes being called Daddy :)

So what am I doing in the here and now?  I decided it was time to pull out the iPad and play some of my favorite Christian music, mostly hymns done by Fernando Ortega.  Its an album called Beginnings.  I highly recommend it to anyone, regardless of circumstances :)

A song

There are many songs that speak to me.  It depends on my mood as to which speaks more.  There are songs I like to listen to when I'm happy, ones I like to listen to when I'm sad, and one specific song that comes to mind when I blow it with God.

The song isn't particularly a new song, its actually one from my growing up years.  Jars of Clay wrote the song back in the early 90's I'm pretty sure and it just reminds me of what I want (to follow God) and what I do (not follow Him) are sometime so far apart.

The first verse goes like this:

"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die"

It seems like more times than I want to admit, this sums up my life.  There is no one to blame except myself for the mistakes I make, they are mine alone. When my mistakes are against God, there is only one end, sin.  I find myself in this boat frequently.  

The third verse also speaks to me. 

"All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me"

When does it not feel like this.  I make a mistake, I own up to it, and then it feels like I'm the only one standing there.  Looking at my mistakes knowing full well that this isn't what God wanted for me.  After looking at my mistakes and the life that I shouldn't be living, I take some time and think about it.  I feel like the father in Mark 9:24, I believe that God can fix it for me, but help my unbelief.  I want to believe that God will take my sinful life away, but I have to admit that there is a little piece of me that says, "This is to big, God can't take this from me."  

I ask the same question the song does, "Did you really have to die for me?"  

It goes on to say "Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart"  God knows what I need, he knew it long ago, sometimes (usually) I don't know what I need.  I think I do usually, but there's the catch, its so far off of what God wants for me.  

The end of the song is something that I consider a prayer, I've prayed it many times, it rings as true today as the first time I heard it uttered.  

"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

The last few lines are uncomfortable, they are painful, but they are necessary.  I want God to take me apart.  Its the same sentiment that Andrew Peterson uses in the song "Just as I am."  He asks the question in the first verse of that song, "whats that on the ground?"  He then goes on to answer the question, "its what's left of my heart, after somebody named Jesus broke it to pieces, and planted the shards."  

I think the part we often forget when we want Jesus to break us apart is the end goal.  The last verse of the song says it so articulately.  "Its time now to harvest, what little that grew.  The man they called Jesus who planted the seeds has come for the fruit.  The best that I have isn't nearly enough, but he's glad for the crop, but its me that he loves."  

He doesn't do it to us because he hates us.  Its because he loves us that he breaks us apart.  Its hard, I struggle with it, some days I struggle with it more than other days, but the thing to remember is that in all of this, the end goal is salvation for Stephen Baker.  

God, please just do this to me.

ISTJ or ENTJ?

For my orientation to the hospital we all took the Myers Briggs Personality Test.  I remember taking it many years ago in high school.  I had the same results and the same problems with the test then as I do now.

True to form, I was categorized as an ISTJ.  Now to some of you that might mean very little, so I'll put a brief synopsis of what it means:

"Quiet, serious, earn success by thoroughness and dependability. Practical, matter-of-fact, realistic, and responsible. Deciding logically what should be done and work toward it steadily, regardless of distractions.  Take pleasure in making everything orderly and organized - their work, their home, their life.  Value traditions and Loyalty."

Some of you who know me would totally agree or mostly agree with what I just put.  Those traits are very correct for those that have known me a long time or who i've allowed entrance or views into my "sanctum sanctorum."  This is my home, this is where I run when I'm scared, when I'm hurt, or when I'm tired of putting up a front.  This is me when I batten down the hatches to ride out a storm of any kind, this is my...well for lack of a better term...Sanctum Sanctorum.  I don't mean to use this term to mean the holy of holies where God resides, but I suppose that could be true as well.  I use it in reference to a place where I feel safe and comfortable.

For those who know me very well or for those who don't know me very well, they realize that as the last description does sum me up really well, they also realize this doesn't fit me completely.  Over the last 20 or so years of my life I took who I am and covered it with what I thought people wanted me to be.  I developed a very secure facade of a self image that I could very easily work in and feel comfortable, at least for a little while.

This second area of my life is summed up in the personality test's label ENTJ.  Now again most of you will not know what this means, so I'll give you a description:

"Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily.  Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems Enjoy longterm planning and goal setting. usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas."

When I presented that according to the personality test I was an ISTJ, most of the class told me I was wrong and had misinterpreted the results and that I was really an ENTJ.  I guess that proves that my facade is complete, I can convince my whole class that I'm not what I seem.  This is not the first group of people I've led astray with my facade.

Question arrises, is that a good thing to be able to say?  I don't know that I have an answer to this.  Its certainly who I am regardless of whether it is good or bad.  It is who society formed me to be, its someone I'm very comfortable being.  The part where this becomes an issue is when I'm tired of my facade and I let my guard drop.  What then?  I let people down, I surprise some people...  There is a very challenging balancing act that I perform every day.  Me knowing that really I'm an introvert and yet acting like I'm an extrovert.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my facade, I actually quite enjoy it, I like leadership, being forceful, seeing things quickly, solving problems, expanding my knowledge, some of the time.  I'm not sure, I don't remember in the beginning, if I was uncomfortable with it or if I was ok with the facade, but now I sure am.

There are some very special people who I've let in to see me, the real me, there are others that have seen a slight glimpse of my real self, and others that I've worked very hard to hid the real me from.  I've had my reasons for putting the people I meet into each of the categories, some move from one group to the next.  The longer you know me, the more likely it is for you to find one of those cracks in my facade to see deeper inside who I really am.  Others will illustrate that they have what it takes to know whats in the "keep".  Some will be astonished by it, others humbled by it, and still others will be thankful for it. One thing I will say is that for those who see glimpses of the "keep" and for those that are fortunate enough to roam the halls freely, you'll see even more than I'm human, I sin, and I'm in total need of the savior that I do my utmost best to follow.  I slip and fall, those who make it all the way will attest to that, but I have this amazing God and friends that picks me back up, dusts me off and sets me back on a path that God wants me on.

Food for Thought

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following.  There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (both North and South)
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian (not the same 70)
30 would be Christian (not the same 30)

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
All 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers the world from such a compressed perspective, the need
for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following are provided as additional thoughts to ponder....

If you woke this morning with more health than illness... you are more
blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... you are
ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a temple, church, or other religious meeting without fear
of harassment, arrest, torture, or death... you are more blessed than three
billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead
and a place to sleep... you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
someplace... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and married... you are very rare, even in
the United States and Canada.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly
thankful... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them, or even touch them on the
shoulder... you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that
someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

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